Today I’m writing.
Grammarly has scolded me long enough. I’ve written zero words over the past few weeks and paid heavily for it. I mean literally. I’ve spent over $400 to keep my blog running for the next three years–I’m paying lots of money not to write.
I started a series, “In The Throws of a Health Crisis?” and stopped writing after part two.
Luckily, I got through part one: Breathe. Grieve. Believe. Repeat.
And part two: Conceive A Plan.
And finally, after I couldn’t take my all-or-nothing thinking any longer, yesterday, I got out part three: Receive Love With An Open Heart.
I’ve dreamt about writing so much over these last weeks that I could have written multiple blog posts if I had transcribed any of those thoughts into a muse.
I’ve let you down. And, just as importantly, I’ve let myself down.
I aim to find the fun side of scary with you; together, we can make the terrifying things better.
But you know how it goes. Win or lose. Fight or flight. All or nothing.
Isn’t that how life’s supposed to be?
Actually, no.
It’s a mind trick that comes over me when I get overwhelmed. I bring on that distorted thinking. All or nothing, baby! Hence I flee, so no writing from me.
Not only do I bring it on, but I make it so believable I take it everywhere I go; I even dress it up and make it my companion for the ball–if there was a ball, that is.
All-or-nothing thinking isn’t civilized just because you put it in a gown.
It rears its ugly head when I want to get on with my life already, but all these outside factors come into play and smack me hard. “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” isn’t a funny commercial from the old days anymore. It’s me. Ahem! I could use some help down here.
My father-in-law died suddenly a few weeks ago, and I’m mourning his loss, especially today, his wedding anniversary with dear Mamita.
He wouldn’t want me to be “paying-to-not-write” for so long, mainly when he lived for the day. He seized every opportunity “con mucho gusto”–gusto, what we say in English.
And in Papito’s name, I have so many stories to tell you.
I want to write about Papito, who had a positive attitude like no one I’ve ever known. He had a book, “How To Live To 120,” which sums up what he thought was attainable.
And not even 12 days after Papito passed away, I met Wali Jones’s Dad, Pop Jones, who’s 106. He’s had such an impact on me I’ve had four dreams of him since our meeting, and I get to meet him again in a few weeks, and then I’ll even have more to share about him. If there’s such a thing as mainstreaming a 106-year-old, I’d like to do just that. Pop Jones is a champion.
I can write about going to Nashville next week to pick up my daughter after her first year at college. Oh, what joy at that thought and the corresponding dread. How will she acclimate into our family again now that 4 am is her early bedtime?
And wait until I tell you about me ringing the bell at the 76ers game–my idea of going on a roller coaster. What a thrill! And how convenient now that the 76ers are up against the Celtics in the playoffs. Twist my arm to talk about winning or losing. All or nothing thinking, here I come!
And I’ve got to share how I’ve been preparing for the Taylor Swift concert. In hopes of making me a cool mom, Alexandra’s giving me all these insider tips (if I only viewed Tik Tok I would know), so I’m ready to dress up as my favorite Eras tour album come May 12th.
And that’s just the beginning of the stories I have to tell.
But that would be the “all” part of my thinking. And since I haven’t been able to write, you get the silence of “nothing.”
So here I am with my story. It’s not all or nothing–it’s something—the one action I can take to get me out of this entanglement in this all-or-nothing thinking.
At least I’m writing again. It’s something.
Glad you’re back. Doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Even nothing is something!
The best thing about being back is hearing from you! Now that’s something! Love and hugs!
Oh Stephanie, it is so nice to read one of your muses again! I enjoy musing after I read one of your posts and it’s a nice change of pace to stop for a moment and take time to think so thank you 🙂
So sorry for your loss of Papito, he was an adventurous man. When I think of him and what you were musing over, a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt came to mind, “Do one thing that scares you every day.”
Everyday life can scare some of us to not live life at all – then what is the point of being alive then? We get caught up in the rat race when one day after another just goes by and suddenly a year has passed! I struggle with that myself and feel lost at times (mainly because I became an empty nester when I was expecting it) and now suddenly ten years have gone by and I wonder how did that happen? The expression, Life is short, is so true because as I age, I feel time is flying by super fast!
When you mused about picking up Skylar after her first year of college, I think about my Sammy and how she only came home for the summer, after her first year of college (and begrudgingly would visit us thereafter). I can’t blame her, she has a boyfriend, her roommates and her very own bathroom, versus our one bathroom home, lol!
In less than two weeks, Sammy will be graduating with her masters in math education and has accepted a job in Oregon!! I don’t know how I am going to cope with that…I really try not to think about it at all, however, I did convince her to come home for the month of June, so I will be taking that month off of work, and I have big plans for our last hurrah together! This is a bittersweet moment and I know she is not my baby girl anymore but she has truly blossomed into a woman I admire and I can’t wait to spend time with my best buddy!
Change is never wanted and change is scary but in the end, it tends to be a good thing overall. I have learned to roll with it and have changed career paths over the years solely based on my children’s schedule, lol! As my little one starts a new adventure, I too will begin a new one – I am starting nursing school in the fall!
If someone in my past had told me that my career on a trading desk would be a strong foundation for a career as a nanny, where keeping a leveled head is key and in hindsight, a boisterous trader dealing with crazy fluctuations in the stock market is remarkably similar to a child’s mood swings, I would have laughed. But, working as a nanny (and taking college courses over the years as I tried to find new career ideas) has led me to looking into nursing, which is something I have never thought about. At this time in my life, it seems like a good fit so I am going to jump in and see where this new adventure takes me because the more scary things I try, the less scared I feel and in turn, the more excited I become for my next adventure and maybe I’ll get a job as a travel nurse!
P.S. Sorry for the length, I didn’t know where my musing was going to take me, lol!!
Correction: (mainly because I became an empty nester when I was NOT expecting it)
The only one who doesn’t like typos and grammar mistakes around here is Grammarly, lol!
Dinah, Your muse brings me to tears! Your words hit me because you are an example of how to go out there and take those baby steps even when our heart is wrenched open because we no longer have our “babies” with us. It’s a conundrum that we have to find ourselves when our grown children are trying to find themselves, too. I think we go into parenthood thinking when the kids leave the nest we’ll be the well adjusted parents who know what our lives are all about. And then we find ourselves in the same shoes as our kids trying to be the role model. But you’re doing it. Fear is just the opposite of love. So let’s embrace the love and get on with our lives! We have one another! Love you! And, yes, you never know where nursing school will take you! I like the sound of a travel nurse!! And make your last hurrah so memorable and fun-filled it becomes your yearly hurrah!! You’re making Papito so proud!! Love you💕
Dear Steph…you couldn’t let us down if you tried! Somehow you manage to make us feel better given our own all-or-nothing moments. My heart hurts with the news of Papito, but I look forward to hearing his story, and Pop Jones’, and Skylar’s summer break, the 76ers game and Taylor Swift concert. Congrats on writing “something” as it inspires the rest of us to do the same!! Te quiero mucho…Nuria
It makes me happy to think we’re all doing “something”together. These small steps we take with our expression and love bring us closer to one another and to God. Friday night I wore hot pink and you wouldn’t believe it but there were at least five women wearing the same color. So I went up to every woman and said, “We’re pink sisters. Look at us.” One of my pink sisters thought I was the hired entertainment and came up to dance with me. It was a small step but it made me realize all-or-nothing thinking would have made me upset I wasn’t the only one wearing pink. My at-least-it’s-something thinking caused me to seek out my sisters and celebrate. At-least-it’s-something thinking is the dun way to get through life! Love you so and thank you for your prayers for Papito! They mean so much!! 💕