A friend asked me what was the hardest part of cancer, and without blinking I said, when it’s all over. It might be hard to believe but I’d do any of this past year over and over again rather than have to deal with today. Maybe I’ll come up with a t-shirt to prove my point, “Surviving Cancer Was Easy-Now What?”
Now I’m supposed to have the superpower to make it all go away, forget about it, and the organizational skills to fit it neatly into my scrapbook, and move on. I’m making repairs as life swirls faster away from me. I’m trying to keep up with deadlines and ever-changing schedules and I don’t even have time to track what’s become of me.
In a typical Thanksgiving fashion, more and more keeps getting piled on my plate.
I wrote this muse, didn’t publish it, and started to write another one, and almost didn’t publish it again. So now it’s just late. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I’m not making any sense!
Maybe it’s because I’m stressed. Stress for a cancer survivor is like a drink for an alcoholic. It aggravates my chemo brain and then I have these stupid moments.
Take socialization, we’ve been doing so many more social things that we weren’t doing a year ago, which requires us to be extroverted in a now introverted world. And half the time I don’t know what to say to people, and the other half I say something that doesn’t make any sense.
That’s the state of my existence these days, trying to notice the still waters that I’m speeding through when I’m making a huge wake instead.
But it’s Thanksgiving–a chance for everyone to stop and be grateful. Remember to breathe, yes, even me. This time last year I was in far worse shape (even though I’ve conveniently forgotten that now).
Okay, fine. If you care to know the truth, there’s something way deeper going on here. I feel so stupid. I’m complaining about my life when I have life!
What is wrong with me?
Here I’ve been rambling on and on and wasting time saying stupid things, and I nearly forgot Thanksgiving–there’s so much to be grateful for instead.
I’m grateful for all these moments–even the hard parts. Even if it takes me a whole muse not to figure it out. Even if I finally get back enough social prowess to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! May your plate be overflowing, with food, of course.
Stephanie, please don’t be so hard on yourself. You have a lot of competing emotions to wrestle with when, in fact, you probably are seeking a pathway back to the old you. As a fellow survivor, I appreciate that the new reality will never be exactly the same, try as we might, but it still can be fulfilling because – as you say – you have a reality to resolve. One step at a time and don’t expect it all to come together at once. And neither should anyone else. Enjoy life at its own speed. Best wishes always, Warren
Oh, it’s so beautiful to hear from you and to think of how grateful I am to have you and your great love in my life. I appreciate all your words of wisdom and take them in with a great big hug. Sending love and hugs your way! Enjoy the blessings of this Thanksgiving! xoxo
It’s hard to believe year has gone by.u and ur family been through so much.Sometimes I feel we never even slow down when Cancer is in ur life..I’m so glad ur doing so well..but I’m sure it hard to put all piece’s together..
you and your family have done outstanding ❤️ I’m wishing you and your family Happy thanksgiving.especially ur getting better❤️❤️
Dear Regina, Through the ups and downs we’re getting through it all together! Know how much we love you! Praying for you and sending you love and hugs this Thanksgiving! xoxo
Dear Steph, it’s impossible for you to disappoint. You will feel how you feel for as long as it takes knowing God will never let go of your hand. Not HIS style. However small, you’re making giant strides and slowly but surely you’ll bounce back. Have a blessed and Happy Thanksgiving. Te quiero!
Dear Nuria, You never disappoint me! We’ve made it this far together, and, yes, God, hasn’t let go of my hand, but neither have you!! We’re making this fun together!! Sending you and your dear family warm Thanksgiving blessings!! xoxo
DEAR STEPHANIE,
PLEASE KNOW I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOU!!! I hope you can find a way to de-stress and slow down. It takes time to accept the reality that we are not invincible. But you are resilient and that’s what counts.
Love,
Nancy
And I am grateful for you dear Nancy! What a year we’ve had together! Sending Thanksgiving love and hugs your way!! xoxo