Santa doesn’t want to hear how sorry we are either.

I was telling a friend, then a table of listeners, and then anyone who would listen; I hate the response to difficult news, “I’m so sorry.”

Can’t anyone come up with anything better to say when life gives us a rotten tomato? Sometimes life happens. No one needs to be sorry (unless they do something wrong, but that’s a different post altogether).

And then, to punctuate my point, I overheard two friends talking.

“How’s nursing school going?”

There’s the expected response. “It’s hard. A lot of work. It’s time-consuming.” Something along those lines. Or the flip side. “Great. Easier than I’d thought. Best decision I ever made.”

Instead, she said, “Not well.” There was a dramatic pause. “I failed physiology three times.”

I couldn’t have written the line better myself. I interrupted the conversation and blurted out, “That’s so funny.”

It was utterly insensitive of me to laugh, yet sometimes the cancer card gets me out of a lot of hot water, and when I went to apologize, to use those words “I’m so sorry” purposefully, she was ecstatic that I hadn’t said, “I’m so sorry.”

She explained that after she failed the third time, her friends made her feel worse about herself because they kept saying they were so sorry. She kept thinking, “Something must be seriously wrong with me that you feel so sorry for me.”

She loved the fact that I laughed. (I wouldn’t suggest you publicly try this tactic unless you have the cancer card, too).

Everyone at the table grew relatively quiet as we did our no more I’m sorries routine.

They had no idea what to say if they couldn’t say I’m sorry. It’s a crutch we all use when we can’t think of anything else to say and genuinely feel bad for the other person.

So another friend asked, “What do you want me to say when you’re having a hard time?”

Cute, right? Throw it back to me.

But here are a few standbys.

Speak in a Jersey accent and use the word misfortune, “I’m so sorry for you’s misfortunes.”

Curse, it’s better than laughing. Something like, “That sucks.”

Laugh, If you’re brave enough.

For the religious, or those who believe in prayer, “I’m praying for you.”

Or for anyone, I got the best line from a German pen pal; she always ended her letters with Feel Hugged. It’s the best use of the English language that came to me from someone for whom English wasn’t even her first language.

But coming up with what to say is like Google mail coming up with responses to our emails.

Let’s not worry about what to say; instead, how to say it. We need to match the tone of the listener, at least that’s what an expert will say.

So if the other person’s sad, speak slowly, calmly, and compassionately.

With an angry person, cursing would match their tone brilliantly.

Some mysterious expert recommends this tactic, so if someone’s sad, we don’t talk animated and super happy, speaking fast and saying everything will be all right when someone’s taking it hard that their cat just died.

We probably do it instinctively and don’t even know it. (Maybe I was picking up on my friend’s need to find levity not brevity in her story, and that’s why I laughed).

Or not.

So when the girl explained the reality that she must find a physiology class far away from her house because she can’t retake it at any of the places she failed it that are close to home.” I said, “I’m so sorry for laughing at something that made you so sad.”

She said, “No. Thank you for laughing.”

I’m still trying to figure out how I got out of that social faux pas! But okay!

We haven’t come up with anything better to say when we hear someone else’s difficult news.

But let’s leave the words I’m so sorry for when it matters, like, “I’m so sorry for laughing at something that meant so much to you.”