“I know an old lady who swallowed a fly!” It’s as nonsensical as life, so we sang it to our children. “And I don’t know why she swallowed a fly.” She minded her own business and went about her affairs. Until she swallowed so many animals, she needed to catch the cow.

Only, it was too late; that’s why she swallowed the horse. She never gets to catch the cow, just in case you aren’t aware, “she’s dead, of course.”

And so, the same could be said of me. There was an old lady (not that 50 is old, but I’ll consider myself old to jive with the song).

She swallowed a fly… “I don’t know why she swallowed a fly.”

There was an old lady nursery rhyme

I didn’t swallow a fly, exactly. But to keep things flowing, we’ll consider finding out my lump could be cancerous and getting biopsied equally absurd.

I laughed in the face of the breast surgeon. Ha Ha! “No, not I. I have better things to do. I’m in the middle of mid-life fun, thank you very much, and cancer isn’t fun.”

That’s the problem–it’s terrifying. No one knows what the other person’s needs might be or what to do. (And trust me neither do I).

Who needs all of that amid a pandemic? And the girls going back to school. There are so many more important things than to run from doctor to doctor while everyone worries about me. Excuse me while I have a year-long pity party for myself!

But then that old lady swallowed a spider… “that wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.”

there was an old lady nursery rhyme

At least if I had breast cancer, I’d feel it. That’s what the doctor was for. Proof! He made me feel it. Yep, I’ve got half a golf ball in my breast. (And my breasts aren’t that big, to begin with).

All those golf balls I’ve been collecting, I must have inadvertently swallowed one.

But that old lady swallowed a cat… “Imagine that, to swallow a cat.”

there was an old lady nursery rhyme

It was equally unimaginable to hear the news that I had breast cancer. There’s just no way. Nobody swallows a cat to catch a spider to catch a fly, anyway. What a stupid song!

And then there’s a truth sayer who said, “In the beginning, you won’t believe you have it. In eight months (for me, it will be longer), you won’t believe it’s gone.”

So she swallowed a dog… “What a hog to swallow a dog.”

there was an old lady nursery rhyme

It was about time I felt angry. I mean seriously? I started cursing, with all the bad news escalating with each doctor visit, it was the only way to let out my frustration. Umm, I mean, still is, sometimes.

She then swallowed a goat… “just opened her throat and swallowed a goat.”

there was an old lady nursery rhyme

I wish I could be that graceful. It’s been a month of hell trying to assimilate medicalize, statistics, treatment plans, doctors, putting a team together to help me fight.

Who called me a fighter anyway? I’m a mother, not a soldier. That’s why my blog is called amuse4mama, NOT amuse4fighter. Get with the program, please! I’m just passively swallowing a bunch of animals, here.

Then she swallowed a cow… “I wonder how she swallowed a cow.”

There was an old lady nursery rhyme

Oh, the blame game. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Didn’t I mind my own business at the beginning of this song?

But as often as I sang this ditty to the girls, I never stopped to think the old lady never got to catch the cow.

She went straight to the part where she swallowed a horse… “she’s dead, of course.”

there was an old lady nursery rhyme

That song had to end somehow. If only my cancer could end as stupidly as it began. But this is where the old lady and I must part ways. I’m not following her to that fate.

I’ve got to catch the cow. Death isn’t an option for me. My cancer’s curable.

But I think of all the people who’ve lost the fight of their lives due to cancer. I need to fight with them in mind. My hair and my breasts are my sacrifices to them.

I’ll grow back my hair. I’ll get a new set of boobs. I’ll still check off born a woman, and I’ll consider myself a woman when I fill out my doctor’s forms, no matter the twixt and the tween.

And you know how I’ll catch this cow? With Alex, Sky, Zana, and all of you, my dear family and friends. I’m relying on you to lift me in my dark nights of the soul. Sometimes I’ll need to hear funny jokes–I hear boob jokes are trending right now–or I’ll need a cursing partner.

(I’m not making any claims that I’ll be handling this gracefully).

I remember my HS friends wanting to give up cursing for lent, and I couldn’t understand why. I never cursed. But sometimes a girl feels like a curse, so why not?

There are times I need to get carried away and hear what’s going on in your life. So drop me a line and tell me about it. Don’t expect me to respond in a timely matter, but know how much I love you.

Or times when I talk to a cancer survivor to give me perspective…If they could do it, so can I.

Sometimes I’ll need a laugh, and sometimes I’ll need a cry. There’s no such thing as an emotion I don’t feel on any given day. Send me your love and prayers. I’m not too proud to beg, sweet darling. Know that I love you as much as you love me. (And you’ll get tired of hearing me say that)!

We’ll kick this thing together, with you behind me, and lots of prayers and jokes, please, to catch the cow.