Every week my dear friend finds a song to fit my muse. So this week I’m beating him to it because I’ve got “Anticipation” stuck in my head.

It’s classic Carly Simon–what you want to sing when you find yourself waiting for something to happen. Carly can pull you through.

We can never know about the days to come

But we think about them anyway

And I wonder if I’m really with you now

Or just chasing after some finer day

“Anticipation” by Carly Simon (verse 1)

Carly pulled me through when Alex hadn’t made his decision (the girlfriend or me?) back on August 24, 1997:

Tomorrow will mark a month that I have known Mr. Alex Ortiz. His middle name is, oops, I forgot. It begins with an E (Erwin). And his favorite color is blue.

And his favorite girlfriend? He hasn’t decided yet. Her name is D, but I can only hope I’m the one in his mind. He got me flowers last week, and he’s going to see her next week.

I don’t know what to expect, so I have been avoiding writing. I don’t want to record how perfect every moment has been with Alex. As soon as he leaves, I start to worry and fear for the worst.

And I tell you how easy it is to be with you

And how right your arms feel around me

But I rehearsed those words just late last night

When I was thinking about how right tonight might be

“Anticipation” by Carly Simon (verse 2)

His girlfriend was coming to visit him Labor Day weekend. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being in town. She was supposed to be long distance. It was irrational, and I knew it, but I couldn’t keep my cool. I wanted to see what she looked like. Yes, it had come down to that.

Since he lived on Long Island, and I lived in NYC, there was no way we could accidentally bump into each other, but he said he was taking her to the US Open.

It just so happened that my boss, who was suffering from an unrequited love waiting game of her own, took pity on me (clearly this guy was leading me on) and suggested we go to the US Open in stalker-esh fashion.

I agreed. Hoping we’d accidentally bump into Alex and the girlfriend, or I could see them from afar. But I don’t know how I entertained the idea that our paths would cross. He was in the stands, and we were at the production truck on the facility’s outskirts.

I remember leaving so defeated. Not that “seeing” Alex and his girlfriend would have lifted my mood, anyway. I had pre-packed and hopped in my car to drive to Maine for my weekend alone.

So here’s me trying to make the most of my time alone when I couldn’t see Alex. Check out my journal entry from September 1, 1997:

Today is Labor Day, and I am sitting on a bench overlooking the ocean. I hear the waves lapping against the rocks from my right and left–surround sound system. I need to spend more time here. I am too rushed, and yet I am also still.

This spot is an excellent place to write a book. I could get lost on the page. The surroundings lull me into concentration. The birds are cawing as I remember on those hot summers visiting Grandma and Grandpa in North Carolina.

What an excellent getaway! If only I could have shared it with Alex. Everywhere I turn, I think of him, and what it would be like to walk these paths with him…sit on this bench with him…go on a lobstering cruise with him.

And tomorrow we might not be together

I’m no prophet

I don’t know nature’s way

So I’ll try to see into your eyes right now

And stay right here

Cause these are the good old days

“Anticipation” by carly simon (verse 3)

And we toggle back in time again to August 24, 1997:

Maybe Alex isn’t meant to be for me. I’m sitting here on a Sunday afternoon by myself, after all.

My only companion is this kid standing on the bench next to me. He yells to a group of kids, “I’m king” as he jumps off with his hands in the air. Another kid clamors up to the same spot to do the same.

Yesterday Alex and I went to upstate New York near New Paltz. We could have been royalty, too, as we looked below at the rich turquoise water of Lake Minnewanka. From particular standpoints, you could get carried away and pretend you were in the Caribbean.

A storm line appeared in the distant valley, marking a delineation between the clearing and the rainfall. I saw so clearly then: we can’t have the rain without the sun. There was no rainbow, though there should have been.

With Alex by my side, do I need to see the rainbow to feel it’s presence?

Yesterday driving around the country with Alex reminded me of my trips with Grandpa on the back roads of North Carolina. I felt Grandpa with us in that car.

I made a wrong turn, and I turned around in a parking lot with trash can containers that said “Roy’s.” Yes, Grandpa was there. His name on those trash cans somehow signaled his approval.

But what good was Grandpa’s approval if Alex stayed with his girlfriend?

Anticipation

Anticipation

Is making me wait

Is keeping me waiting

“Anticipation” by carly simon (chorus)

Looking back, I know that all that anticipation, if Alex was going to pick the girlfriend or me, was worth it. Carly told me so.

But I also know that anticipation isn’t often as fun as it once was. With age and responsibility, what we wait for becomes proportionately more severe.

We’re not always waiting to hear something good. There may be bad news on the other end of that anticipation. Sometimes it’s hard to dig for the silver lining (with all this shit, a pony’s got to be around here somewhere).

But we do because once upon a time, we waited and got a great blessing. It can’t hurt to remember no matter how hard it rains, there’s always a clearing, and the sun will come out again.

The only difference: then I was all alone waiting for love. I didn’t feel back then the love that surrounds me now, what it would mean to be loved by Alex, to have kids, and grow our family and become part of a fabulous community.

No matter how serious the wait, or how bad the news on the other end of that wait might be, now I’m blessed with such profound love to help me through the dark hours. I’m not alone. A legion of friends and family are there to pull me through.

Thanks to my dear friend, I found a song to fit this week’s muse. If you happen to get “anticipation is making me wait” stuck in your head, know that you’re not alone, you have way more than a fantastic song pulling you through. We’ve got each other. Know how much I love every one of you!