Last Christmas, Skylar pulled a letter she had written herself the year before out of her stocking. We all wished we had thought of the same idea. So we got out our pens and paper and wrote a letter to ourselves to be found in this year’s stocking.

This year I forgot all about it. That’s the beauty of starting a new tradition on chemo. So imagine my surprise when this was the letter I found in my stocking from 2020 (or that I could even write a coherent sentence back then).

Dear Stephanie,

This Christmas, I learned gratitude.

Before this, I've plowed through my life. I needed everything to be perfect, so I failed to appreciate the flaws and the unformed parts that still need to be chiseled out. That's what life is. I worried, feared, and fretted about the bad things that would happen. So I lived for a future that isn't even here yet. I failed to see what's here now.

There's nothing like the beauty of this day. It poured last night. It was a violent storm; it wasn't the snow you always want at Christmas. And, who cares? It was still a glorious day today.

And my cancer? It's me; iI went from being a worrier to being a warrior. There's something magical in all of this: in seeing my family through new eyes.

It doesn't matter the food we eat or don't eat, the presents we wrap or don't wrap, the traditions we choose to keep or trash.

It was an imperfect day, and in all its imperfections, I saw the face of God. God is what's perfect; life is what's messy--it's playing with finger paints.

I've never seen such beauty and love here on earth as I have these past months: the presents, cards, prayers, food, photos, texts, calls, and emails.

And here are two cards: one from Mom and one from Alex. It was so beautiful to get Mom's card. She always finds the best cards and writes the sweetest messages. And dear Alex, the words he wrote made me cry--until I couldn't read his writing. The "unconditional" part got me again when I finally figured it out.

I'm so blessed, so loved, so hugged. I've never seen such love--never knew this side of people—this side of life.

Stand tall, for you stand among giants! Act as if, and one day you will believe in the Magic of Christmas.

I love you!

Stephanie, December 25, 2020