Cancer Musings

Oof! How Are You Doing?

Stephanie Ortiz
Enough about me, how are you?

After a year of cancer treatment, laparoscopic surgery should have been a lap dance.

They call it an oophorectomy just so I can use that word with you, oof! I’m tired and grumpy and missing my body parts. Yes, I gained back my fake boobs in the process, but they don’t feel like much of a consolation prize.

When the doctor asked me what size did I want to be, I said, “I don’t know, I just want my old ones back.”

Uh, wrong answer.

I want my life to go back to how it was, only it keeps changing on me and getting harder to handle.

Is that what we call being in a physical rut or growing pains? Sometimes when we’re in the thick of the battle, we don’t know.

In six weeks, I’ll resume PT. I’ll see people, and they’ll forget. Heck, I’ll forget; hopefully, I won’t spend the rest of my life wondering where did my boobs, ovaries, and tubes go.

Meanwhile, if I had my way, I’d prefer to keep everything the same. It’s my idea of being in a physical rut.

I have to remind myself, if we didn’t suffer, we wouldn’t grow. And if we stopped growing, well, we wouldn’t need to be here anymore. It’s called growing pains for a reason.

I remember having “growing pains” when I was young. Mom would buy me the Absorbine Jr., and I’d lather it on and feel better instantly. I was a weird kid; I loved the smell of it.

Now there’s nothing to make me feel better. I can’t take a vacation, swim, or exercise, I’m too tired to read, and I have to wait for my next batch of puzzles to come in before I can even do that.

I don’t have to like all this change. I’m writing this muse not sure there’ll be a happy ending.

There will be when I get to the other side, no doubt, but what about right now when I have to deal with all this physical stuff?

I’m feeling hard-pressed to find joy in all this change–too much work’s required. Let me close my eyes and make it all go away. Or at least give me some Absorbine Jr. Oof! I can’t do that either.

So I need to stop looking at the physical. Somewhere there’s more to this puzzle that I haven’t figured out yet. When you’re in the middle of growing, it’s not like you have any idea how tall you’ll be.

There’s no ointment to make the suffering (pain) disappear and bring back the fun. But I remember advice some wise soul once gave about being in a creative rut, look outside of yourself.

So maybe it’s the same when we’re in physical ruts, too. It’s time to hear from somebody else for a change.

I remember my dear friend early on in my cancer diagnosis. He asked me, “How are you?” I started reeling off about Skylar and Alexandra and hadn’t even gotten to Alex when he interrupted me. “I didn’t ask you about Skylar and Alexandra. We’ll get to them in a minute; I asked you about you.”

And here I go again, telling you all the sagas in my life instead of appreciating the joy around me. No wonder why I’m tired. Who wouldn’t be tired of having the same thoughts wheeling around in my head?

So help me have a makeover. I need one. I can’t tell if it’s a physical rut or just growing pains, but I need you to remind me of the finer things in life. For a change, let’s start with, “How are you doing?”

14 thoughts on “Oof! How Are You Doing?”

  1. You are amazing and I wish we could snap our fingers and have this all go away! It will, I promise, and we will get together soon. We will have to get together when you are up for it and catchup. We have been having a horrible week – Carrie’s allergies have her sick every day this past week and keep trying a number of things without much luck.
    Love You!

    1. I can’t wait to see you! We’ve been talking about it for so long now, but time has gotten the best of us for sure!! I pray that you can get Carrie’s allergies under control. I’m snapping my fingers, too, but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything:) xoxo

  2. I can’t tell you how much I love and look forward to your muses. They make me laugh, cry and think about this crazy rollercoaster ride, also known as, LIFE!! Your strength and determination is awe inspiring and I thank you for sharing it with us. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers.

    As for me, I’m moving Emma into Elon on Thursday. ‘Nuff said.

    Love you, girlfriend! Keep fighting the fight and know that you are never fighting alone.

    1. I’m still smiling thinking of your microphone car singing moment—it was one of those videos that make you think—I wish I had thought of that! But you pulled it off with your partner in song, dear Emma! If anyone can make the ouch of college drop off fun, it’s you! And know that I’ll b right along with you!! xoxo

  3. Loved Reading this, oof!
    I have some serious kvetchs-Not worth talking about. I used to say find the good,
    It’s there we just have to find it.

  4. Sounds like you’ve dipped into a deep funk. First off, you’re allowed. You’ve been expending a lot of energy to be upbeat for Alex, the girls, your parents, your friends and have done an amazing job. Being in pain is not fun. Neither is being tired. My arm/elbow/shoulder has finally reached the point where I’m not in pain and it’s liberating. You’ll reach that stage too. Patience is difficult. And it’s not like the Physical Therapist can’t still make me cry but … who would have ever guessed how happy I would be when I could finally wipe myself with my right hand and I can almost use a fork properly through an entire meal. Be a little selfish. Let yourself cry. Loss is hard but trust that it will lead to re-birth. I am hoping to come to Philly in November. Adam is planning to run the marathon and we want to come and watch; I’d like to say I’d run too but that’s out of the question. Don’t know if this helps but hope it doesn’t hurt. Be kind — to yourself.

    1. You’ve been through such a long ordeal yourself so I know what experience you’re drawing from when you say this. And I also know how much love you have for me (unless I’m making that part up, lol) but I hope you know how much I love you all the same. It brings me such joy that you’re finally liberated from pain! Yahoo!! You did it! And, yes, I’m almost there with you, but sometimes looking back it’s hard to believe we had to scale so high a mountain! It’s a bit daunting, really. Making plans to see you for the race is a perfect November plan. Yeah to small victories and big ones too!! xoxo

  5. Steph, this too shall pass… hoping sooner than later! May your beautiful thoughts and musings help you leap out of your rut. You have an army hoping and praying for your physical and emotional healing. We all love you!!!

    1. And you’ll never know how much I love you and how you’ve pulled me through this entire journey. Heck, I’ve been lifted by the crowd and I’m just laying there on top of it all like a rock star!! xoxo

  6. Dear Steph…thanks for the question! So much to say here, but I’ll say this. “YOU help me hang in there.” Your strength is contagious! Your physical rut will pass, happier days will kick in and your makeover will surprise you!!! In God we still trust. Love you xoxo

  7. Dear Stephanie, I pray for you every morning !!!! I have put your Dad back on my list too. You are truly a beautiful and inspiring soul. Your Muse has given me tears, joys and laughter !!! You will get through this and be happier than before. Not the same happiness but a deeper HAPPINESS. Love, great health and happiness. Louise Nolenlnolen

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